I Want to Remember Him

Yesterday, someone I used to go to school with suddenly messaged me.

“Buti na lang, Kuya, tinuloy-tuloy mo.”

It was a simple message, but it made me think.

With everything I have been busy with over the years, work, family, school, and all the other things happening in between, somehow, I still managed to continue studying.

I did not stop.

And I think that was what triggered me to write this.

I have been wanting to write something like this for a while anyway. Maybe because I am slowly entering another phase of my life. If everything goes well, I only have about a year left before I graduate.

I want to remember this version of myself.

Not because there is anything extraordinary about him. I just know that someday, life will be different. I will be somewhere else, doing other things, worrying about completely different problems.

And maybe one day, when I feel lost again, I would want something that could remind me of who I was during this time.

Still studying. Still working. Still dealing with responsibilities. Still trying to figure things out.

But still moving.

One of the things I have come to appreciate about studying pharmacy is the peace of mind that comes with actually understanding the things I used to simply search online.

There is really a difference between knowing something because Google told you and knowing it because you actually studied it.

When someone at home gets sick, I feel less helpless now.

I may not always know exactly what is happening, but at least I have a better idea of what can be done, what should not be done, and when something needs to be checked by a doctor.

And for me, that means a lot.

Maybe because I remember what it was like before.

When someone got sick at home, everyone would worry because nobody really knew what to do.

And sometimes, going to the doctor was not as easy as simply deciding to go.

You think about the consultation. The tests. The medication. The expenses that come after.

There were times when we just endured things because healthcare was expensive.

We have been there.

So there is something comforting about knowing that now, at least someone in the family understands a little more.

I think that is one of the reasons why what I am studying became so personal to me.

It stopped being just about passing subjects, completing requirements, or eventually getting a diploma.

Somewhere along the way, it became connected to the people I love.

And maybe that is also why, despite how tiring everything can become, I still find a reason to continue.

There are days when I am exhausted.

There are days when I do not feel motivated at all.

There are moments when I just want to finish everything and be done with it.

But I think I am slowly realizing that motivation does not always come from wanting something badly enough.

You can have goals and still get tired.

You can be passionate about something and still have days when you do not want to do anything.

Maybe what matters is having something underneath all of that.

Something that gives the goal meaning.

For me, I think that something has always been love.

Love for what I am doing.

Love for my family.

Love for the future I am trying to build.

And love for the person I am slowly becoming along the way.

Maybe that is what I want to remember from this particular point in my life.

I am not there yet.

I am still learning. Still making mistakes. Still getting tired. Still trying to balance different parts of my life.

But when I look at myself now, I can see that I am no longer the same person who started all of this.

And I want to remember him.

I want to remember this version of myself before everything eventually changes.

The version who had a lot going on but continued anyway.

The version who slowly began to understand that some dreams become more meaningful when they are connected to the people you love.

So if I ever come back to this someday feeling lost, I hope I remember that.

I hope I remember my family.

I hope I remember why this path became important to me.

I hope I remember how much all of this once meant to me.

And most of all, I hope I remember what I eventually realized somewhere along the way.

Love motivates me.

Maybe that is really all I wanted to say.

Love for something.

Love for someone.

Love for the life I am trying to create.